I thought I was doing good.

Well, another trip to the hospital again today. I'll be staying for awhile because they are taking me off my meds and starting me on all new ones. I thought that I was fine and my only problem was using but once I stopped using all my mental issues came rushing to the forefront and it's quite scary.
So, wish me luck and hope and I'll catch you on the flip side.
Peace.

Just another day.

I haven't been attending many NA meetings lately, the euphoria has begun to wear off and the idea of it being more cult like than anything else has come to the forefront of my mind. I'm not saying it's a cult, it just has cult like attributes which I'm not in the mood to deal with all that much.

My best friend, Jenny, is getting married in September which means I get to go to California! I'm going to be in the wedding, hang with my sister and see my daddy. It's the best of all worlds.

I'm still deciding whether or not to go back to school this semester, if I can get the fresh start program taken care of after just one year instead of two I'm golden. If not I'll be waiting another year before going back. I'd love to get going now, just being on the campus the other day made me long to be a student again. I love it, and plan on being a professional student for the rest of my life. When I'm a professor I'll continue to take classes to keep up on the happenings.

Living with Jon's dad has been a major adjustment but overall is going well. We are comfortable here and he helps out a lot with Zoe. They are way close and so he takes her to the park a lot and babysits her when we need some time out. Keeping the place spotless clean (he's a neat freak) has been a challenge, but we're rising to it and keeping everything to his liking.

All you need is love.

I went to a networking meeting in Kentucky, it was lovely. I met a lot of new people and enjoyed spending time with my sponsor.

Last night I was laying next to Jon and a fond memory popped up in my head. It was from the summer after I moved to California when I was 18. I came back to Ohio to visit and my friend Caryl took me to a party at our friend Evan's house. The party was raging, it was fun as hell. Jon was there and we gravitated towards each other. First we grabbed a few bottles of Boone's Farm and headed out into the backyard and sat on a bench and talked. We soon walked across the street and laid behind a tall housing complex sign and just cuddled for hours. I remember my feet were FREEZING cold, but there wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be at that moment. Later that night we both squeezed into a single sleeping bag on the floor in the middle of a bunch of passed out teens. I fell asleep in his arms, he didn't sleep at all that night. He laid there with me in his arms, staring at me. Later he'd tell me he didn't sleep because he didn't want to miss a moment with me.

I'm feeling overwhelming love for Jon lately. I fall in love with him every day, over and over again. I can't tell him how much I love him accurately. No words can express my feelings. I just want to hold him and squeeze him all the time. He's just so fucking amazing, so amazing. I've never felt like this about anyone before. There is no doubt in my mind that he's my Other. We are supposed to be together.

In October we are going to try to get out to California (we means me, Zoe and Jon) to visit family. It's been two years and that's too long for me. To my California peeps, I love you and miss you.

Kiddie Makeup

This morning the child and I went to the local half empty mall. Zoe lost a tooth yesterday and so the Tooth Fairy came and visited last night, brought her a dollar. We went out so she could spend her hard earned money. All excited like (and with an extra $5 from Mama) she picked out a lovely little cell phone makeup set for kids. It has eye shadow and lipstick. She quickly got it out and put it on, the only problem is that she picked my favorite color. Black. She got the eyeshadow all over her cheeks and eye lids. Then she put on her red lipstick all messy like. She looked like I just beat the shit out of her. Black eyes, red lips all a mess. So I tried to wipe off the eye shadow but I only smeared it more and more. I figured perhaps a pinch of pink might help so I start smearing on the pink eye shadow and then it just looked like I had beaten her and she was swollen red. We walked through the whole mall like that, my child looking like I beat her senseless. I got plenty of pretty looks.

General update

I have an appointment at the university on Wednesday to see what I need to do to get back into school. They have this program called Fresh Start where you can clear your GPA and start over, but you get to keep your credit hours. The catch is you have to have been out of school for two years. I've only been out one but I'm going to ask if I can do it anyways, hopefully they'll let me since my psychiatrist will be giving me a letter to go back to school since I dropped out because of huge mental breakdown.

I need to go back, being stagnant is killing me, it's so boring. Sure I have time to read, sleep, watch movies, hang with the girl.........but I've had a whole year to do so and am ready to have some goals set up again. I'm ready for this shit.

I've been having a great time with the little one. I think she is loving us not using, she is so happy and bouncy. It makes me happy.

I sent off my bags, which I'm excited about. We'll see how well they do, I sent off 25.

That's about it, kinda boring but just a general update.

I need my Higher Power to be my homeboy.

I was at a meeting tonight that went bad. We were just chillin' and I brought up a topic about having a hard time finding my higher power (which I'll write about in a minute) and there was the topics of carrying the message not the addict and also fear of change. So, the meeting started out fine but it quickly went south when one of the people in the room began to personally attack other people and talk about how at the SOS Hall the guys are serious about recovery, etc etc. The SOS Hall is a recovery place for people who have just come out of prison. Anyhow, about eight people (including us) left the meeting early because it was so shitty. That doesn't happen very often.

About my higher power. I have this problem that my higher power is this domineering evil mean man that sits up in the clouds and reigns terror to those that don't follow his every whim. Growing up Mormon they say their God is a loving and caring God, but in Bill Hick's words "believe or DIE" is how they live. If you do anything wrong, from wearing a bikini or tank top to having an abortion or an affair you are going to the "spirit prison" which is just a nicer way of saying hell. Saying hell is a sin in and of itself. So, needless to say I have serious God issues. I don't believe in the typical Christian God because of the way I was raised, I am not down with the vengeful God - he just isn't my homeboy. To work this program I'm working, however, you have to have a "God of your understanding." The problem is I don't have a God that I believe in. I believe in the Universe, Mother Earth and the spirits of the world. I believe in reincarnation, I believe in energy flows, I believe in the collective. I also have a hard time with the idea that it has to be a God, why not a Goddess?

So with all these issues I haven't been able to wrap my head around the idea of a higher power and when I pray it's to "God, Goddess or whoever the hell is out there." It is working for me right now but there is a major hole in my recovery which is my need for spirituality. I thought I was so spiritual when I was using, but my higher power when I was using was down with me using. I just rolled that way and so did my higher power. She was a-okay with me puffin' away as long as I was a "good person." I get now that it was just an orchestrated lie I told myself to justify the way I was living but now that I'm trying to do the right next thing I need to find some sort of spirituality that I can believe in. Some sort of power greater than myself. It's what will get me through, because right now I'm feeling the lack of power and it's hurting.

I've been meaning to....

I've been meaning to blog lately but just haven't gotten around to doing it.

A few weeks ago I was contacted by a boutique in New Jersey about carrying my handbags in their store. I've been sewing like mad lately to get my handbags out - they get shipped out tomorrow. I am starting a new pattern, I just have to make the pattern up first then I can start sewing them.

I've started step one in NA. I'm reading through the basic text again and analyzing it as asked to do so by my sponsor. My sponsor fucking rocks. She kicks my ass when it needs kicking, she loves me when I need love and listens when I come up with crazy ass shit. I've been losing the desire to use lately, which has rocked, but tonight I got into relapse mode. My sister-in-law's best friend (she met in rehab) went out and used heroine again on Saturday. In turn my sister-in-law wants to use, she's jealous of her friend using and is in a bad state of mind dying to use. Tonight she asked me if I wanted to use with her. My answer was, "fuck yeah I wanna use!" We were in the parking lot after an NA meeting where we were talking about this. There is something they say in the meetings that goes a little like this, "your worst day clean is better than your best day using." Well, I've always thought that was bullshit because I remember using. While I didn't like the consequences I loved the feeling of being high. I loved going out with my sister-in-law and getting trashed, dancing the night away in some bar until 2 am and coming home and getting high. I loved sitting in the car with her smoking crack. I mean, it sounds horrible, but we had a lot of fucking fun. The thing I don't miss is the consequences of what we did. We lost our apartment, Jon lost his job, we are financially wrecked. All of this because of our using. We lived to use and used to live, as one of the NA readings states. I remember I went to Chicago over the summer and couldn't even go on that trip without an arsenal of joints. Before I went Jon rolled me a bunch to keep in my wallet to use along the way. I had to ration them out because I would normally just smoke them all at once. I was using very heavily towards the end.

I have found that a lot triggers the using memories, there is so much I don't remember about that life. I was so drugged up on my psych meds also that I didn't remember most of my life while using. Since I've come off of the majority of my psych meds I have had little snippets of what life was like. Some was fun, most was shitty. I look back at the things I've done, the kind of parent I was, the kind of wife I was, the kind of friend I was, the kind of sister, daughter. It makes me sick. I put the drugs before everyone and everything in my life. I put shit in my body before I'd buy food for my kid. It's hard to admit here, but this was the reality. Today I sit here with 70 days clean and it's been the best, and hardest, 70 days of my life. I'm loving recovery, it looks good on me, and I'm keepin' on keepin' on.

I think I've said enough for now. I'm doing well, I'm actually smiling, which is huge for me, and I'm working my program. Being a mom, being a wife, just being me finally. I cut out my dreads and went back to my short red hairstyle, I'm on a new journey now. I'm gonna rock this shit.

"god sucks fucking dick."

I was sitting in an NA meeting last night and this dude that cracks me up was sharing. He was sharing about his higher power, and he just came out and said, "god sucks fucking dick." We were sitting in a church, and it was ironically hilarious.

I've been sewing and posting on my etsy site, check it out if'n ya have the chance.

We started our big move today, we'll finish it out on Sunday. I'm excited to be out of this place and into our new digs. We are painting at Jon's dad's house this upcoming week and settling in. It's a good thing.

Locked Out

Last night I spent the night at my father-in-law's house. He asked me to come over because he had to work through the night and my niece and Zoe wanted to spend the night over there. I happily obliged. I was in bed by 9, sorely needed.

This morning I woke up and my father-in-law told me there was an accident with two fatalities on Route 4 near where we live. Last night Jon went over to a friend's house and he didn't sleep the night before so my mind launched into this huge scenario of him laying dead on the road, brain seeping out of his ears and perhaps a severed limb that landed 20 feet from his lifeless body. When I got home and didn't see our car I freaked out. Then I went upstairs to find the door locked, me without a key, and I got pissed. I sat outside our door for an hour. An hour. I then went downstairs and sat on my mom's porch waiting for Jon to get home. I soon looked at the parking lot and saw our car parked across the road where it usually isn't. He was home, and I was being silly. It's all good.

Elephants and stuff....

Today was Zoe's school zoo trip. Jon and I both went. I, in my infinite wisdom, wore flip flops and have many unhappy blisters from walking around. It was a nice day, though. We each had a kid from the class and the little girl I got tended to be a wanderer, which gave me quite a scare a number of times. Jon's kid was ... impulsive, to say the least. He was working on (as the teacher put it) "thinking before doing" which was the least of this kid's problems. It just made us appreciate our kid more, she's a good good kid and is very happy.

I have been having a hard time with contacting my sponsor on a regular basis. I just feel like, way pressured to be this perfect NA person, when in reality I feel that as long as I'm not using I'm fine. I shouldn't feel like I have to call or be anyone or do anything a certain way as long as I go to meetings and work the program. I'm frustrated that I have to have constant contact with someone, that is way out of my comfort zone. But, then again, my own thinking and way of doing is what got me into this mess, so perhaps I should count on someone Else's ideas now ... might help me get out of the mess I'm in.

In two weeks we are moving! We are leaving our (over priced) apartment and moving back into Jon's dad's house. We are eventually planning on buying his house from him, but just for now we are trying to get back into school and clean up some of the mess we've created while using. We have come out of this drug haze to see that we completely wrecked our entire lives, and we're having to dig out of this hole. We are lucky Jon's dad is allowing us to move back in, it's going to be a great thing. Zoe will get her own room, Jon and I will have our own room, there is plenty of room for everyone and our bills will be WAY low, which is what we need right now. I'm grateful and excited about the move. I may need a reminder about the good points when I'm in the middle of the move though.

Peace.

...and the phone rings right off the wall...

I have this hate hate relationship with telephones. I get anxious whenever they ring and am afraid of answering them. I don't know why I'm afraid, I just get severe anxiety and get this horrible feeling in my stomach every time it rings. Then, quite often, while I am on the phone talking I have this compulsive urge to just hang the phone up. Just slam it down on the receiver and run. I also can't listen to the messages on the machine. I make Jon listen to them, and whenever I get home and see that little light flashing indicating a message I get that same feeling in the pit of my stomach. What the fuck, right? I know, I'm a freak.

Life is keepin' on keepin' on. Recovery is going beautifully and I've been really enjoying Jon being around. He is getting a job, well working on getting a job, and I'll miss having him home. Zoe is growing into our recovery as well, we are very different parents clean. We pay more attention to the little things, keep her closer and spend more quality time with her. She has been enjoying it.

Doing Well

I know it's been a while since I posted, I promise I'll be better about it. Life has been good but stressful lately. We've been going to meetings every day, which is wonderful for us. We have found some fantastic friends in the fellowship, and we are already reaping the benefits of doing "the right things" in life. Zoe is such a happier child, less whiny and more loving. Jon and I are getting along better than ever. I'm going back to school. I'm also going back to therapy. Things are just getting better and better.

I've been in a ton of pain because of my neck, normally I'd just go to the medicine cabinet and swallow a handful of pills, but since I've gotten clean I can't do that. Instead I'm living through the pain. It does suck, I can tell you that. I started chiropractic care again on Friday, which has helped a little. Going back today for another adjustment, going until I can actually hold an adjustment. I'm doing chiropractic, physical and massage therapies. Hopefully I'll find some physical comfort out of them. I think I will. I have a very high pain tolerance and so I'm sure I'll be fine.

Jon and I both found sponsors that we're very happy with. I'm excited about working the steps and getting better. I'm going to keep a detailed history of what's going on, so you'll know how it's going.

Peace my friends.

When the shit hits the fan

I have been thinking and working a lot on the ideas of recovery and have had a hard time admitting I'm an addict. I constantly try to justify my addictions and think that after a few years clean I'll be able to use socially. After attending meetings (we go every day) I realize that this isn't true, but by the morning my mind has reset into a mode of justification and rationalization. I tend to shake after meetings, last night someone noticed that as she hugged me. She told me I don't have to tremble, everything is going to be okay. She promised me that. Then this morning she called me to see how I was doing, it made me feel accepted and understood.

I have this issue with "coming out" and that is the loss of friends and respect. I know it looks like I had my shit together, or maybe I just thought it looked like I had my shit together, but I have noticed a drop in friendships and am feeling emotionally isolated. I know this is something that has to happen, but it is difficult at the same time.

Zoe is having a hard time at school and is afraid to go because there is this bully that has been hitting her and her teacher told her, "I don't want to hear it again!" about her telling on him. I am close to pulling her out of the school and transferring districts. I am going to have a meeting with the principal on Monday to try to straighten things out the right way before jumping to anything. I could kill this kid, don't touch my kid, the fucking bastard.

Jon and I are doing wonderfully. We are close and have been a wonderful support for each other lately. I am so glad I ran into him that day in May, seven years ago. Yes, I was married and yes I was running away from that horrible marriage. It might not have been the right thing to do, but for me it ended up being the best thing for me to do. Thank goddess I've left that old life behind. When I dipped my toe back into it two years ago it was draining and terribly detrimental to my mental health and self esteem. What a horribly toxic relationship! I am so glad I've found greener pastures.

It's beautiful here today, and the whole family is home. It's lovely.

A slight set back

I thought I was on day 11 the other day but Jon reminded me I got smashed ten eleven days ago. Wow, how odd for an addict to forget when they last used, ha!
So, only on day 10 instead. Double digits.

I met a new person that rocks from Jessica's rehab. She rocks, her name is Kristan. I like her a lot.

I'm afraid

I am going into pain management in June, it's been so hard to find a doctor that accepts my insurance. I am afraid of telling them I have addiction issues because I don't know if they would work with me and I have legitimate pain from my neck breaking. I know there are alternate ways of treatment but what if he totally cuts me off of anything because of this? I'm contemplating not telling him and just giving whatever medicine he gives me to my mom to hold under lock and key for me. She said she would, because there are times when I really need them. But the line between using and taking as prescribed is a gray area that I'm not yet sure about. At least I have a month to figure it out....

Day 11

Today is day eleven of being clean. I have gone to NA meetings, and am going again tonight. 90 in 90. Jon and I are doing it together which helps it.
I have been feeling so much lately that I hadn't felt or dealt with in a long time. The last two nights I have gone to meetings (I just started going two nights ago) I have come home and sobbed. I cry like a baby on the way home and last night couldn't calm down.
I'm feeling all of the pain and guilt I've done that was hidden by my addiction and psych meds. I also am taking personal inventory and realized that I am way more addicted than I thought I was. I wrote of list of what I'm addicted to. I disclose this with utter honesty, which might surprise some of you but this is me and I'm going to have to write through my evolution and so you might as well know what I'm fighting.

Addictions:
Pot
Crack
psych meds (benzo's)
Vicodin
Muscle relaxers
food

I have picked up smoking my cloves a little, but I figure it's better than smoking weed. I had gotten to the point where I was smoking for breakfast, lunch and dinner -as well as snacks in between. So eleven days clean is a lot for me, and for Jon. I have found so much inspiration in Jessica and her dealing with her addiction. She has her affirmation date of when she gets out of rehab and I'm so proud of her, and in awe of what she's done over the last three months. Last night when I was a mess I called her and she walked me through it, between her and Jon I finally calmed down, didn't use and had a good night's sleep.
Going to another meeting tonight, which I can tell you drains the fuck out of you. But in a good way.

So, that's me, I'm putting it out there and just being me.

In the OP-ED section from the LA Times about the "tea parties"

By Marc Cooper
April 15, 2009

The Web is buzzing with information about how to throw an anti-Obama Taxpayer Tea Party, something organizers hope will be held today from Santa Monica to South Carolina. But no need to burn up your bandwidth reading complicated instructions. Here's a simpler recipe:

Go to a hobby store. Buy a scale model of a U.N. One-World-Government Black Helicopter and a tube of glue. Toss the model kit. Sniff the entire tube of glue. You're all set for the party.
FOR THE RECORD:
"Tea Parties": An Op-Ed article Wednesday about planned protests against President Obama's economic programs referred to a Bruce Bartlett article in Fortune magazine. The article was in Forbes.—

---

I can recall only a few outbreaks of such collective insanity as these tea parties in recent years. There was that time in the mid-1990s when a $19.95 video proving Bill Clinton was some sort of serial killer went viral. And then, a few years back, there was that chilling, televised midnight seance from the floor of the U.S. Congress aimed at reviving the long-brain-dead Terri Schiavo.and now this. Whip out your Lipton and don your tinfoil hat and join the protest against ... against ... against what exactly?
The original Boston Tea Party was caffeinated by a very simple injustice: American Colonists refused to be taxed by a government that lacked any popular representation. That was remedied a few years later in a heroic struggle that stretched from Concord to Yorktown.
So, if you'll excuse the mixed metaphor, what's the beef behind today's protests? The Obama administration is cutting taxes for all except the very richest of Americans. Reduced withholding is already showing up in millions of paychecks.
Then again, this rash of tea parties is being organized not only by the pseudo-journalists at Fox News (with Glenn Beck, Neil Cavuto and Sean Hannity actively stoking the flames) but also by FreedomWorks, a conservative lobbying outfit headed by former House Majority Leader Dick Armey. I suppose it was Armey's constitutional if morally dubious privilege to have built an entire political career out of defending the wealthy.
But are common folks actually going to dump Earl Grey into Santa Monica Bay because they are outraged, simply infuriated, by the marginal tax rate rising 3% for millionaires?
Or maybe they'll do it for some other reason. The FreedomWorks site says the Tea Party movement began in reaction to President Obama's corporate bailouts and ensuing yawning budget deficits. These same conservatives, however, were mum when George W. Bush erased our budget surplus and put us deep in the red by drunken spending on a pointless war in Iraq and by, yes, granting massive tax rollbacks for the loaded country clubbers who fund the GOP (and Armey's FreedomWorks). Another bothersome detail: The bailouts were also initiated by Bush.
Nobody I know is very pleased with the billions ladled out to teetering banks and corporations. Yet a clear majority of Americans are sophisticated enough to know that these bailouts are a necessary evil and are intended -- unlike the lollipop Bush tax cuts -- not for personal profit but rather as a radical, emergency measure to help Americans keep their jobs, their homes and their retirement.
And while way too many otherwise sane Republicans are actively pandering to the tea-bag battalions, some old-fashioned conservatives are calling out the Teabaggers for their silliness. Writing in Fortune magazine, conservative policy analyst Bruce Bartlett, who has a long anti-tax history, says: "The irony of these protests is that federal revenues as a share of the gross domestic product will be lower this year than any year since 1950. ... The truth is that the U.S. is a relatively low-tax country no matter how you slice the data."
The Tea Party movement, more than anything else, is a rather garish display of a Republican right that seems to have lost not only the national elections but also any semblance of political bearings. Staying on this course, the GOP risks -- in the words of one pundit -- becoming "the Talk Radio Republican Party."
Better put that kettle on, Marge. It's going to be a long and bizarre four years.

Don't forget, enjoy the ride

My thought and clarity has been so much better since I got off all of the heavy medicine. I know that probably sounds obvious, but I was taking my medicine as prescribed and was scared to death of stopping any of it on my own for a long time because, quite honestly, I didn't have a fucking clue about what pill was what. Since I didn't fill my own medication box I didn't know what the fuck was going into my body. I went to a doctors office and had to tell them what I was on and I couldn't even do that. So, I'm feeling much better.

Also, being off the reefer I've been able to clean up the house a lot and have much more productive days. It's nice.

Jon has been a pain in the ass today, he was going to get up with me and clean but he stayed up until six am playing his silly game on game cube or box or whatever it's called. So when I went to wake him up he yelled at me, bastard. When he gets up he'll not even remember yelling, and be very apologetic. I've just become a morning person and he still is a night person. C'est la vie.

I've been scrapbooking online a lot lately, since I joined this Creative Team. It's nice, gives me a little extra push to work on my pages. I'll post some up along the way.

Other than that I just have a song to leave you with:

It's just a ride by JEM

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
Accept that
There's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
Coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride

Friends

I have spent the last two days cleaning the shit out of my house. I've done a great job, it looks fantastic. I have a few more rooms to deal with (Zoe's and the office) and then be all finished.
I thought about going to NA tonight, and Jon and I had a long talk about addiction and whether or not it is important to go or if I can kick shit on my own. Needless to say I'm not at the meeting, so I'm kicking it on my own.

In the meantime ..... here's a treat for you ......................

Drag

Sleep eludes me and I find myself pacing the hallways of my house. I look around at the mess, which is enormous, and sigh knowing that today is the day we start Spring Cleaning. That's right, some seriously deep cleaning that desperately needs to be done on my house. I'm bleary eyed and wheezing from the pollen in the air. Welcome to Cincinnati, here is our gift to you - sinus problems.

Bill Hicks is always a good idea

How does one realize they are an addict?

I pondered this a lot today. I wasn't going to write about it but as I was laying down in bed for the night the question plagued me.

Last night Jon woke me up in the middle of the night to come sit with him. He had a friend over who was totally wasted. We aren't smoking or drinking anything and Jon is having a hard time with it, so when our friend came over it was a major trigger for Jon. When our friend left Jon called his dealer and he was supposed to call back, but Jon woke me up and asked me to sit with him instead. I took the phone off the hook so dude couldn't call back and calmed Jon down enough to fall asleep. He felt better in the morning.

This afternoon his dude called again asking for a ride somewhere offering free weed. Jon turned him down and sat on the couch in tears. He was crying because he realized how addicted he is to the drug. It has run his life for so many years, and for the last year run my life as well. Being heavy habitual smokers has taken a lot away from us and we are re-building.

Today my sister in law came over on a pass out of rehab. It was wonderful seeing her, she is doing very well and looks great. We hung out and talked about all the stupid and crazy shit we did when she was living with us. We couldn't believe some of the things we did. She recognized that she pushed me into doing heavier drugs than I would ever do otherwise. I am not saying I'm not responsible for my actions, but she presented the opportunity and I willingly took it. She apologized for presenting the opportunity. No hard feelings, I have nothing but love for her.

So, the talk of the day was about addiction, how far, how long, how much and how low you have to go to get help. Right now Jon and Jess are at an NA meeting, which I should also be at. I've gone through AA, I went through it at the age of 20. But it would behoove me to at least attend a few NA meetings. I let it get too far, I let it go too far. I was invited tonight but turned down the offer because I felt uncomfortable going. Almost ashamed. Afraid.

How does one realize they are an addict, and how far does it have to go?

stuff

Well, I went to the nurse today and am feeling pretty good about my medicine situation. I'm having a great day today, it feels like any issues of coming off stuff is lessening.

It's a beautiful day and I have a kid on my back, so it's time to get out of the house and enjoy the sun.

Bottom line.

I am feeling better. The immediate issues I was having with the meds are beginning to slow down a little. Today I go back to the doctor and see what he has to say about this all. I don't really care what he says, I'm not taking a shit ton of meds anymore. Bottom line.

Withdrawals...

While I go through this experience I sometimes question my sanity. Haha, right?

I am going through withdrawals from my psych meds something fierce. Headache is horrible, shaking and cold sweats. It's worth it though, I'm so ready to be off so many numb and deadening bullshit drugs. I needed them when I was having my nervous breakdown last year but they should have been tapered off but instead they were increased. Everyone around me agrees that I'm way too medicated and that so much of who I am has been lost to the cocktail of colors that my drug dealing psych doc has been doling out to me on a weekly basis.

So I'm dealing with the headache and my mom and father in law are helping with Zoe today and tomorrow my friend is coming over to spend time with me because if I crash during this little test I will end up back in the hospital. See, I was originally going to go there but my nurse and while talking it out with family/friends we all decided I didn't need to go in patient unless I become a complete and utter basket case. In the meantime I just need to have people around me watching me to make sure the physical aspects don't make too harsh an impact and that I don't go completely insane. If either happen I end up in the hospital. I have agreed that if I act like I need to go in I will not complain or fight it, I will agree to go in if nessecary.

That's where I'm at at this moment in time.